In 2005, when I was 15 years old, I was diagnosed with Anorexia. At that time there was so little discussion about eating disorders within our culture (outside of the occasional tabloid headline or celebrity weight loss scandal). For the most part, eating disorders were not spoken of, and support and recovery for those who needed it was kept quiet. As a result, my eating disorder and therapy was a secret for my entire high school career.
Read MoreI laughed a little and said, “actually, I hate baths. I feel like everyone always suggests a hot bath, and I hate them. What feels good to me is someone saying I love you unconditionally, and a really solid, firm, hug. Pressured, physical touch soothes me so much, which is why it’s sometimes so hard for me to soothe myself. Last night I found a little stuffed animal in my closet, and I slept with that. For some reason holding it and hugging it soothed me, almost like we were hugging and holding eachother.”
Read MoreI want to tell you a story about the stranger who told me she loved me.
Read MoreThe last two months have been a fucktsorm. This blog post might suck, but I’m having a really shitty week, so that’s going to have to be fine. Let’s consider this an “owning up to my lack of copeholism” post. A relapse admission. An I’m-not-perfect-and-you-don’t-have-to-be-either post.
Read MoreI started to think about restructuring my emotional boundaries. About being honest with myself about the work I’ve done and the work that needs to be done. I imagined myself as a little girl, first learning about her emotions, how others actions impact her feelings, and how she impacts other people’s emotions. What would I teach her so that she understood where the boundary lay? What lessons would I hope she learned?
Read MoreIn October of 2017, I was sitting in my professors office mid-panic attack, when she leaned over and said to me, “Rachel, nobody cares.”
Read MoreObama once said something to the effect of, “the fewer options I have in my day to day life, the easier it is for me to make the really hard choices.” I’m paraphrasing, but he was speaking to the fact that the more choices we have in life, the more struggle we experience. Choices take an immeasurable amount of energy, whether it’s choosing what dress to wear or whether to quit your job.
Read MoreYesterday, as I pulled out my journal to begin filling out my February month-long calendar, I looked back on my January cal--not only had I accomplished every goal I had written down, I had exceeded them.
Read MoreYesterday, before heading out for my afternoon plans, my husband said to me, “Rachel, I have to tell you something.” Fuck. What did I do. I could tell he was nervous — he had that look on his face that said I am so sorry I know this is going to make you upset, but I’m trying so hard to be really nice and sweet while I say it. I nodded and gave him my I’m ready for this, I’m a strong, powerful, confident woman, and braced myself for criticism with my super-coping cape.
Read MoreI started googling, “who created the concept of boundaries” and “what therapy first talked about boundaries” and “where did the idea of boundaries come from in psychology?” I saw dozens of articles like “10 Ways to Effectively Set Boundaries” or “What to do When Your Boundaries Aren’t Respected” and “5 Different Types of Boundaries to Set” and I was overwhelmed.
Read More
