Yes, I Fight With My Husband.
Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash
Yesterday, before heading out for my afternoon plans, my husband said to me, “Rachel, I have to tell you something.” Fuck. What did I do.
I could tell he was nervous — he had that look on his face that said I am so sorry, I know this is going to make you upset, but I’m trying so hard to be really nice and sweet while I say it. I nodded and gave him my “I’m ready for this, I’m a strong, powerful, confident woman, I’m a copeholic after all” face, and braced myself for criticism with my super-coping cape.
“Rachel, I know this has been a really busy week for you, and I know you’re exhausted. I want to validate that it’s made other things seem a little harder for you.”
Here it comes, I thought, cape up, arms out, let’s go!
“Earlier today, you said a few things in a row that really bothered me, like when I asked how the gym was you said your knee was hurting. Then you said it was too cold in the house. And then you said “oh fuck” or something like that in the closet. I just felt like everything you were saying was negative, and I can’t be around that negativity.”
Cape up, cape up, CAPE UP DAMNIT! Shit. No coping skills made themselves available to me. My cape drooped like a wet blanket. I could feel my mask turning black and my skin turning cold. Super-coping girl was gone.
Behind gritted teeth, I smiled and thanked him for being so kind and thoughtful with his words. I asked him if I could have some time to think about how I wanted to respond, because I could feel myself getting defensive, and knew if I responded right away it might turn into an argument. He said of course, told me he loved me, and we carried on with our separate plans for the day.
Later that night, I told him I was ready to revisit the conversation. “Josh, I’m ready to talk now about what you said earlier. I know I’ve been swamped this week, and you’ve been really supportive and kind when I’ve been stressed. I can imagine you may feel tired of constantly telling me it’s going to be ok, so maybe my negative comments this morning felt like the last straw.”
I’m an adult, I thought, I can accept this criticism and use all my fancy coping skills and we’ll be right as rain! I sat down at the kitchen table, re-positioned my cape and cute rhinestone-covered super-mask, and prepared myself to be just about the best and most mature conversationalist you’ve ever seen.
Here is how THAT super adult conversation went:
“I guess I just don’t know what you want me to do. I want to meet you in the middle, but I don’t really know what you’re asking of me.”
Just for a visual, my body language was V closed, my tone of voice was cold and harsh, and my facial expression probably looked like McKayla Maroney not being impressed.
“Like, if it’s cold do I just not say it’s cold?” Full teenager mode now. “Or if you ask me how the gym was and my knee was hurting do you want me to lie and just say it was super duper?” Currently acting like a 14 year old. “I just don’t know what you’re telling me you need, except that you think I’m negative and you can’t be around negative energy, so I guess I should just not be myself or not be around you?”
If this was a movie, this would be the part where the girl yells, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD” and runs crying out of the house with no jacket and weather-inappropriate clothing on.
Clearly, I had not taken his comment well.
I quickly realized where the conversation might go if we continued (the shitter), so I asked for another time out. I was activated, unable to see outside my own perspective, and felt nothing but defensive. There was no amount of talking that could get me to a place of understanding, compassion, or empathy. I needed another break.
I asked myself why I was getting so defensive. Is my identity being threatened? I wondered. If I don’t think of myself as a negative person, but someone who knows me well is perceiving me that way, is it possible that I am being negative? I guess so. Why might I be making negative comments? Am I just depressed? Is that what’s going on? Well fuck. Then I guess I’m just a sad Susan who no one wants to be around.
In that moment — still totally activated, mind you — I blurted out, “Ok, you’re right. I’m being negative. I’m not very happy right now, so yeah, I’m seeing more of the bad shit than the good stuff. I can see why that would be no fun to be around.”
“Woah woah woah,” Josh put up his hands (probably to protect himself from my very pouty and grumpy demeanor) and shook his head. “That’s not what I’m saying — what do you mean you’re not happy? I feel like this got blown out of proportion. Like if you were my buddy, I just would have said, ‘dude, you’re being a downer.’”
Puzzled, I retreated once again. Dude you’re being a downer? But he spent so much time thinking about how to say what he said to me — so I thought it was really important. I thought it was a big deal. Now it’s just, “dude, you’re being a downer?”
I started to feel like a confused child. Did he want me to change something about who I was? Or just acknowledge I was being negative? Or was there something I could do differently without being different? Is this a big deal? Or not a big deal? Is this one of those times I meet him in the middle? Or one of those times I just say, “I understand where you’re coming from,” and move on?
My head was swirling. I was angry and confused. I felt like I wanted to push him away and pull him close all at the same time. I wanted to accept his criticism and do better, but I felt paralyzed wondering how.
Suddenly, I realized exactly what was happening to me.
For the last month, Josh and I have been seeing a therapist (who, by the way, is a fucking rockstar). Our therapist often approaches our sessions using Attachment Theory, which treats personal and interpersonal problems through the lens of each individual’s “attachment style”. There are four attachment styles, and each style describes how a person is in relation to others as a result of their relationship to their parents. As children, we develop a primary attachment style, which for most of us remains with us in adulthood. Understanding our attachment styles as adults can shed a LOT of light on how we are in relationship.
The four attachment styles are Secure, Avoidant, Anxious/Ambivalent, and Disorganized. In therapy, Josh and I learned what our attachment styles are, which gave us a lot of insight into our own and one another’s responses in conflict.
Here is a run down of each attachment style, just to give some context.
(If you want to find out your attachment style, this is the quiz we took in therapy.)
SECURE
Known As: The “ideal” attachment style.
As Adults: People with a secure attachment create boundaries easily, know how to engage socially, experience ease with intimacy, and have no problem being alone. These folks are typically confident, make healthy relationship choices, and can give and receive love rather well.
As Kiddos: Their parents struck a nice balance of instruction and trust. These kiddos probably felt safe and free to experiment, make mistakes, and discover who they were.
When Activated: “I’ll probably take a hot bath and self-soothe. Journal. Then have a constructive conversation with my partner when I’ve cooled off.”
AVOIDANT
Known As: The lone wolf.
As Adults: These folks struggle to connect emotionally, both to themselves and others. They may prefer relationships or experiences that require little to no “deep thinking”, and rarely are interested in making plans. Life’s a playground, not a rulebook!
As Kiddos: These humans had parents who may have been unavailable emotionally or physically. They may have been in a household where feelings weren’t communicated and emotional needs weren’t always met.
When Activated: “Peace out everyone, I’m living off the grid for the next year and you can all suck it cos I’m better off on my own. LONE RANGER OUT.”
AMBIVALENT/ANXIOUS (hi, it me)
Known As: I only want you when I can’t have you.
As Adults: As grown humans, these people are, as Diane Poole describes it, “chronically dissatisfied” (2019). They’re not used to getting what they want (especially love), so when they do, they tend to reject it, sabotage it, or run from it.
As Kiddos: Parents of these kiddos may have been inconsistent with their caregiving. This could look like two parents having completely different parenting styles, or the parents sometimes being very nurturing, and sometimes not being nurturing at all.
When Activated: “You don’t love me, you never did, and here’s ten reasons why I know it’s true. SEE? I’ll never be loved. Now convince me you love me and let’s do this all over again.”
DISORGANIZED (oh hi, also me)
Known As: No matter how much you hurt me I can’t stop loving you.
As Adults: These humans feel constantly confused with how to please the people they love. They so badly want to make sure their loved ones are happy, but they feel paralyzed with HOW to do that. They seek lots of reassurance and require a ot of feedback to make most important decisions. Taking criticism can feel like a mindfuck, as they will look for exact instructions on how to do better or else they’ll fear more criticism in the future.
As Kiddos: These kiddos may have had parents who gave lots of mixed signals, especially around task completion or expectations. Sometimes kiddos with this attachment style experienced abuse in the home. “This child is caught in a terrible dilemma: her survival instincts are telling her to flee to safety but safety is the very person who is terrifying her” (McGuire, 2020).
When Activated: “Who’s feelings are whose? What’s real? What’s not? Where do I begin and where do you end? PLEASE SEND HELP I AM LOST INSIDE MY BODY AND MIND.”
Cue the moment in our conversation where I realized what was happening:
I was in an activated state of my attachment styles. Completely disorganized (tell me EXACTLY how to be less negative so you don’t criticize me again) and entirely ambivalent (you don’t want to be around negative energy, and you’re telling me I’m negative, so you must not love me AT ALL.)
As soon as I realized what was happening, something in me softened. Josh loves me. I know that. He doesn’t think I’m a negative person. We both know that. He just wanted to express something he was feeling, and hoped I could try and be more aware of my negative comments. I am not about to be totally abandoned, hurt, or punished. I have been given feedback about my behavior, and it has triggered my inner child — the part of me that still responds to criticism insecurely—with complete anxiety, disorganization, and ambivalence.
I looked up at him and I smiled. I opened my arms and put my palms face up on the table. I said, “I can be more positive. I know I can. It won’t be that hard, see, I’m doing it right now.” Josh bent his head down and I could hear him holding back tears. He took my hands and looked at me, as though I had just given him the greatest gift he could ever receive. Then, with a confused look in his eyes, he said, “You’re crying, Rach.” Smiling, I said, “I know. I’m choking on my pride.”
In that moment, I learned something.
My relationship is more important than any shred of ego in my bones.
When I feel criticized, I revert to my attachment style.
If I ever hope to be the kind of person I preach to be — which is someone who can hear, take, and respond well to criticism, I am going to have to start recognizing times when I’m acting out of insecurity.
This was one of those times.
I have said this often, but I will say it again. Self-awareness is the first step to any and all healing. You cannot POSSIBLY begin to cope with a problem if you don’t understand the problem first. You wouldn’t perform open heart surgery on a patient without knowing how the heart works. That would be murder, guys, and the same goes for your mental health.
Learning our attachment styles has illuminated a lot, and so far, drastically improved our understanding of self and one another. It created space for both of us to say, oh, this is why I respond this way. Or I realized I get anxious about you acting like that because of my attachment style. The key is not to use this knowledge as a crutch or excuse. It is simply a foundation block from which to jump.
My suggestion? Take the quiz. Talk about your results with a friend or loved one. Start to build compassion for yourself. Understand that when threatened, the deepest parts of our psyches — the parts of our brains that formed when we were little and in the care of others — get triggered and cloud any and all “adult judgment” we may have developed. Skills go out the window when we are activated like this, and it is so very important to be aware of that.
Once you build some basic understanding around your attachment, take some space if you find yourself activated. It’s okay to say, “you know what, I need some time to cool down before I can respond here. I can tell I’m activated, and I might not respond in a way that feels secure.”
Talk to your partner about what is activated within you. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may notice your instinct is to bolt in conflict. Talk to your partner about this. Let them know that you don’t actually want to leave them — this is the biologically, psychologically engrained part of you that learned at a very young age to go hans-solo when conflict arose. That doesn’t mean you are forever doomed to run — with a little awareness, some open dialogue, and a lot of practice, you can learn new patterns and build a secure attachment with your adult relationships.
I want to make a VERY strong point NOT to use this information as evidence of fault: Learning your attachment style is not about blame: it is not about pointing fingers at your parents and saying see — YOU are the reason I’m all dark and twisty. No. Most parents (and I say most, because I know some people were physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually abused, and that is a different topic) did the best they could. If you’re a parent now, I’m sure you’re doing the best you can. People aren’t perfect — they read their parenting books, make mistakes, and ultimately do their very best with what they have. The results of these quizzes are more about building compassion for yourself, your patterns, and your loved ones, NOT finding fault.
Once you have some familiarity with your attachment style, you may notice that in conflict (especially when receiving criticism, and ESPECIALLY with a partner or parent), you start to go, “oh damn, my insecurities are popping up. This might have something to do with my attachment.”
It is then, and then alone, that you can start to really get some space from your reaction and start to consider more secure and “healthy” ways to move forward.
Here are my cute lil’ suggestions for dealing with a conflict once you’ve identified your attachment style:
STEP ONE: Ask for some space.
You’re activated. You’re feeling insecure. You’ve reverted to — dare I say — a pre-teen-esque place where your voice is cracking, your boobs don’t exist, or you feel like you don’t belong in your body. This is NOT the right time to try and resolve the conflict. Say something like, “I hear what you’re saying, I need X amount of time to decompress and think about how I want to respond, cos I can tell I’m getting defensive instead of understanding. Coolio?”
STEP TWO: Ask yourself these questions:
Am I activated? (i.e., am I feeling angry, frustrated, confused, irritated, shut down, ticked off, annoyed, defensive).
If so, what am I feeling, specifically? (Check out this feelings wheel if feelings are hard for you to identify).
When was the last time I felt this way?
When was the first time, that I can remember in my life, feeling this way?
Is my feeling right now really about this conversation, or is it possible it has to do with my attachment style?
What am I afraid will happen if I accept, listen to, or absorb the criticism?
Who will suffer if accept, listen to, or absorb the criticism?
Who will suffer if I don’t accept, listen to, or absorb the criticism?
STEP THREE: Decide what is more important to you: The relationship or your pride.
Yuck. This is the part that is hard for me. I’m stubborn. I don’t like to admit to the most important person in my life that I might have faults. Especially if I’m activated.
But when asked myself the questions above, I realized that if I refused to accept, listen to, or absorb what Josh had to say, we both would suffer. Maybe momentarily I would “win” or not give into being “controlled” or “told I’m a bad person” (all narratives of my teenage years), but in the end, he would feel unheard, we would be stuck in an argument merry-go-round, and we would be disconnected from one another. So I decided that our relationship was more important than my pride.
If you chose “the relationship”, follow step four (a). If you chose “your pride,” follow step four (b).
STEP FOUR (A): Commit, and “Act As If.”
If you said your relationship is more important, return to the conversation. Thank the other person for giving you space, and explain what just happened for you. Be as open and honest as you can about your realizations and what was difficult for you.
Then make a commitment to the other person. Whether it’s a commitment to try what they have asked you to try, to think about what they’ve asked you to think about, or to make a behavioral change they’ve requested. Be specific. Tell them one or two actionable items you commit to doing. This makes it more clear for both of you what to expect when you try and make a change in behavior, so there’s less chance of “you said you were gonna try” from your partner, and less anxiety of “am I doing enough to show them I’m trying” on your end.
Then, it’s time to actually do the damn thing. Grinning and bearing it is not going to cut it. Trying and feeling resentful at the same time will not positively impact you or your partner/friend/coworker/boss. For the change to really happen, you have to actually believe you have already changed. Acting As If is a technique from Adlerian Therapy, where you literally act as if the change you want to make is already real.
In the moment that I told Josh I would commit to saying more positive things, I was NOT feeling positive. I felt horrible. I had just internally committed to doing what he asked, let go of the fear that I was admitting to being a negative person, and knew I needed to not only tell him, but show him I was committed to being more positive. I don’t know how to flip a switch emotionally — I don’t know many people who can — but I know of a therapeutic technique called “Acting As If,” where you literally act as if you already are/have/embody the person/quality/emotion you’re seeking .
So I acted as if I was positive in that moment. I thought, what would a super positive person say right now? What would their face look like? How would their voice sound? I took it seriously. I didn’t get all Elle Woods on his ass. I really acted as if I was a positive person, and I smiled and said, “hey, you know what, I can definitely be more positive. It really won’t be that hard!” That’s something a positive person would say. And honestly, I believed it.
STEP FOUR (B): Take more space.
There are several reasons why you may have chosen “my pride” over the relationship.
One is that you haven’t taken enough time to de-activate, and you’re still highly activated. Another is that you’re in a toxic relationship, and no matter what you do, you and your partner will always be in a state of activation. Or, this is not a person you are comfortable to be vulnerable with. Alternatively, you have subconsciously decided that this relationship is not one you are willing to make compromises in.
No matter the case, I highly recommend taking extra space — take a full day. Take a week. Take a vacation. Get far away enough that you can really begin to dissect if the problem is the other person’s actions and behaviors (are they being abusive, neglectful, or manipulative?), the relationship between the two of you (you’re fine on your own, but together you combust), or past gunk that is stuck inside you (some deep attachment work that may require therapy).
STEP FIVE: Self Care.
You just went through a LOT of shit to try and solve what was probably, a MINOR conflict.
Hello — my husbabe said “you were a lil’ negative this AM” and a literal volcano erupted inside of me.
This does not make you weak, bad, or wrong. You’re a human, you grew up in the world a vulnerable sponge, and you learned how to handle conflict however you learned it.
Now, as a grown up, you have the ability, power, and resources to alter that course. To re-learn some shizz. To take a step back, ask yourself some hard questions, and say, “what am I ready to unlearn?”
The invitation stands. Take the quiz. Talk to your loved ones. Let’s all get secure and safe together.
Happy Coping!
XO, — Rachel
References:
Attachment Styles, Secure Attachment Styles — Diane Poole Heller. (2019, November 17). Retrieved from https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-styles/
Watts, R. E. (n.d.). Expanding the Acting As If Technique: An Adlerian/Constructive Integration. Retrieved from https://www.academia.edu/21780596/Expanding_the_Acting_As_If_Technique_An_Adlerian_Constructive_Integration
What is attachment Theory? (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.crowe-associates.co.uk/psychotherapy/attachment-theory/