I Need A Teddy Bear, Do You?
The last week I have really struggled to regulate myself and my emotions. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog posts or instagram, you know it’s been a shit show in Rachel-land. I have felt barely afloat at times, doing everything and anything I can to stay grounded, while simultaneously feeling like I am doing nothing.
My therapist (who is, by the way, brilliant, beautiful, bold, and so unbelievably dedicated to her practice it blows my MIND) has been checking in with me every day, and yesterday she said to me, “Rachel, I’m curious, what feels good to you when you’re sad or upset? Is it someone telling you that you’ll be ok? Is it a warm cup of tea curled up under a blanket? Is it a hot bath?”
(Anyone who has known me a long time ALSO knows that I have hated almost every therapist I have ever had in my life—and that is over 20 therapists. So big win here.)
I laughed a little and said, “actually, I hate baths. I feel like everyone always suggests a hot bath, and I hate them. What feels good to me is someone saying I love you unconditionally, and a really solid, firm, hug. Pressured, physical touch soothes me so much, which is why it’s sometimes so hard for me to soothe myself. Last night I found a little stuffed animal in my closet, and I slept with that. For some reason holding it and hugging it soothed me, almost like we were hugging and holding eachother.”
She made a little, “oohhhh” sound, one that therapists make when they have a little mini therapy-discovery. “That is excellent. Keep doing that. Also, you need to buy a weighted blanket, like right now.”
I felt validated, but also, incredibly childish. I’m 31 years old, and I need a teddy bear and weighted blanket to feel better when I’m sad?
As if she read my mind, she started immediately talking about self-compassion. “I also really want you to focus on finding fondness and admiration for yourself. I’m really worried about your self-compassion. This is a difficult thing you’re going through, and you will have bad feelings and thoughts—so what will really soften that is a lot of self-compassion, and a lot of kindness.”
She sent me worksheets and practices to start cultivating self-compassion. To reignite the “forest around my heart” that she sensed had been deforested in a harsh and careless manner. She reminded me that I am not my feelings—they just are, and I just am.
In one of our sessions, my husband brought up a book called the 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work. After reading it, I was completely on board with tackling the book’s worksheets, suggestions, and principles. One of the principles is “Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration,” which is exactly what it sounds like: cultivating a liking for one another in a relationship.
On the phone with me last night, our therapist (we have the same marriage counselor and individual counselor, in case you’re wicked confused) suggested that I might need to nurture fondness and admiration within myself too. That perhaps I’d lost a sense of fondness for myself, and this was part of the reason it was so difficult for me to regulate my emotions. Without fondness or admiration, I have very little ability to see that who I am is not my feelings: When I become upset, I am unable to recover because I consider those emotions to be a part of me: when I become sad, I believe I am a sad person. When I become confused, I believe I am person who is unaware. When I become angry, I believe I am an easily triggered person.
I spent this morning journaling about what I am fond of in myself. About what I admire about myself. I allowed myself to have self-compassion when I didn’t do something perfect or right. I read Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese and remembered I am good.
And I told myself, It’s ok to need a teddy bear to fall asleep at night. It’s ok to need a weighted blanket. It’s ok to call your friends and ask for help. It does not make you bad. It does not make you broken. You are ok in this moment, and you are perfect in this moment. You are nowhere you aren’t supposed to be, and you are safe.
From the countless tools she gave me, I devised a little week-long journaling plan for myself that would be completely devoted to self-compassion, fondness for self, and self-admiration.
Because I love you, I made a free template of the journaling I plan to do, and invite you to do it with me.
The practices are based in the second principle of the book I mentioned before (which, yes, is a marriage book, but you can still cultivate fondness for yourself) and self-compassion exercises from Dr. Kristin Neff, who has a great self-compassion quiz which I recommend taking. Turns out my self-compassion levels are in the TANK, so that was a good indicator to me I really need to pay attention to this stuff.
If you’re not into the whole daily journaling thing, here are a few things you can do to start practicing self-compassion, a-right-here-right-now:
Make A List of What You Cherish About Yourself
Make a list of things you cherish about yourself. When you think of these, remember that the prompt is using the word cherish. Something you cherish is quite different than something you love, respect, or adore—it’s something that you hold dearly—that you honor with delicate adoration. Cherish holds a very sacred space, and as such what you cherish about yourself is really quite special, and by naming it these qualities become quite significant.
The Gottman’s (the cute lil’ couple who wrote the 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work) have a list of words to chose from when thinking about what you cherish in your partner in their book. The same practice can be applied when thinking about what you cherish in yourself, which is what I plan to do.
I suggest making your own list of 5-10 things you cherish about yourself.
Here’s an example:
What I really cherish about myself is that I am so…
…loving
…resilient
…sensitive
…open-hearted
…genuine
…courageous
Appreciate Yourself For Simple Tasks
Make a short list of what you appreciate about yourself. It’s ok for this to be about the mundane—the simple, everyday stuff. Things you might hope to hear from your partner, like “I appreciate you for folding the laundry this morning” or “I appreciate that you always remember to buy chocolate at the grocery store.”
Make a list of 5-10 things you appreciate about yourself, and say them outloud like you really mean it.
Take A “Self-Compassion Break.”
Dr. Kristin Neff has an exercise called “Self-Compassion Break” , which covers three different methods of applying self-compassion to a single event or situation.
In the exercise, she invites you to think of a stressful situation or event. Once you have, practice one or all of the following as a way to habitualize (I know it’s not a word, but it should be) having self-compassion the next time a stressful event does come up:
Mindfulness
Practice non-judgment of the stressful situation. Notice the situation as it is—stressful. You can say things like “this is stressful” or “ouch, this hurts.” Practice using non-qualitative language (this is the worst thing ever to happen in the history of the planet) and instead, simply observe it to be what it is: a stressful experience.
Common Humanity
Start to cultivate an awareness of your experience being common or not isolated in the history of being a human: chances are, the feeling you are having has been felt by another human. Try to say things to yourself like, “other people have felt this way,” or “I am not alone in this suffering.”
This is NOT suggesting you compare your experience to someone else by saying “other people have felt worse suffering” or suggesting that because someone else has felt it that you don’t deserve to feel it “everyone feels this way so it’s not a big deal.”
Common humanity is a way to remind you that you are not alone, that your feelings are a part of being human, and that others have gotten through this so you can too.
Kindness
Practice being kind to yourself. Think about phrases or statements that might feel nice to hear. The doc has some great ones, so I’ll let her words do the talking:
May I give myself the compassion that I need
May I learn to accept myself as I am
May I forgive myself
May I be strong
May I be patient.
I have noticed, that in only a day of trying some of these practices, I feel more grounded. More identified with self, and more separate from my feelings. I still have my feelings, but they are not me. They do not define me. I hope you found some of these practices helpful, and would love to hear your self-compassion practices if you have them.
As always,