5 Love Languages: What They Are and How They Improve Relationships
Ok. You know your partner loves you. And you know you love your partner. But for some reason, you feel like you’re constantly asking for reassurance from them. Or they keep saying things like, “I just feel like you don’t want to spend time with me.” Whatever the case, one or both of you is just not feelin’ the love.
Here’s the problem: in love and relationships, we have been taught to live by the “Golden Rule”: do unto others as you would have done unto you. As a kid, this may have worked well. You share your crayons, and your nap buddy shares their blanket in return. Win-win. But in love, a simple exchange of Playmobil goods is not going to cut it.
The way that I feel loved is not going to be the same as how someone else feels loved. Someone hugging me feels like one of the most loving acts I could receive. Someone else might get hugged and think “Fuck off out of my space, bro.” My partner feels loved when I tell him I’m proud of him. Someone saying this to me is nice, but it doesn’t make me feel like they love me.
If we both operate under the Golden Rule, and I spend all day and night hugging and touching him to show him I love him, and he tells me how well I’m opening the pickle jar that day, we might both feel some affection, but we may both experience a sad, empty feeling and wonder, “that’s nice, but do you love me?”
This is where the 5 Love Languages comes in CRAZY handy.
Developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, the 5 Love Languages breaks down the nuances of how we love and feel love into 5 simple categories: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Gifts.
Using a simple quiz, you can discover how you rank in the love languages and learn valuable information about what you need in order to feel loved.
P.S. No one from the 5 Love Languages biz is paying me to say any of this. (Gare-bear, if you want to pay me, I will take cold hard cash any day. No shame.) I just really believe in the concept, and found that applying the information to my relationship did wonders for our connection.
In 2015, my therapist introduced me to the 5 Love Languages and suggested I take the quiz with my partner. We were to take the quiz separately, then share our results. I was flabbergasted by how different our love languages were.
I needed physical touch and acts of service, while he needed quality time and words of affirmation. For years, I’d been caressing him and doing favors for him, and he had been spending intentional time with me and leaving me love notes.
Don’t get me wrong—getting these gestures felt really nice for both of us. Even so, we were both left with a constant feeling of, “does my partner really love me?” I’d wonder, “why doesn’t he know to plan my birthday for me?” and he’d wonder, “why doesn’t she tell me how much she appreciates me?”
take the quiz. do it. this is peer pressure. or is it pure pressure? i never knew.
If you’re feeling like your efforts with your partner to express your love are falling short, you’re feeling unloved but your partner insists they love you, or you’re looking for new and creative ways to show and and ask for love, I highly recommend taking the 5 Love Languages Quiz to discover your love language. It can be eye-opening for both of you to see that even though you think you’re loving on eachother, you might be missing the mark entirely.
Start here and take the quiz. I highly recommend asking your partner to take the quiz too. It will be difficult to put any of this into action if you don’t know their love language too.
Then come back to the party for my Copeholic tips and ideas for getting the kind of love you need, and giving your partner the kind of love they need.
The 5 Love Languages PLUS Copeholic’s Tips for How To Give and Get Dat Love
photo by yours truly
Physical Touch
Physical touch ranks high for people who feel love through the most basic form of human connection: touch. Before words and language, touch was one of the few tools at our disposal to communicate our feelings to another person: a warm embrace feels way different (emotionally and physically) than a slap in the face—no words needed. It’s no wonder so many of us feel a deep sense of love at just the gentle touch from another person.
Ideas for How to Give Physical Touch:
Big fat hugs when your partner comes home or leaves the house
Holding hands on the couch, while you walk, or in public
Kisses—anywhere and everywhere
Back rubs (from a tender touch for a fleeting moment to a full on massage, baby)
Putting your arm around your partner
Resting your hand on their leg when sitting together
Quality Time
Someone who scores high on “quality time” feels loved when their partner spends time with them. But it’s not just about physical time together—it’s about intentional time spent together. Quality time feels good to so many because it’s an indication that their partner enjoys being with them. It gives them the sensation of true connection to another through shared experience and activity.
Ideas for How to Give Quality Time:
Schedule intentional one-on-one time
Invite your partner to go on a long walk
Suggest an electronics-free evening together
Rent bicycles and ride around the city for an afternoon
Really listen when your partner is talking to you and engage fully in a conversation
Words of Affirmation
People who receive love through words of affirmation are comforted by the notion that their partner really sees them as they are. Words of affirmation are reminders that we are seen, heard, and understood. Not only that, we are acknowledged for the parts of us that we hope are loved.
Ideas for How to Give it:
Tell your partner how much you appreciate them for something specific they have done
Tell your partner how proud of them you are, for no reason other than to say it
Compliment your partner on a skill you notice they are good at to show you think highly of them
Write something like “you’re my favorite person” on a post-it and leave it on their desk
Randomly send them texts that say “you’re such a badass!”
Acts of Service
Those who feel love through acts of service typically experience the gesture as the removal of stress or burden: their partner is expressing love by taking a weight off their shoulders and helping them with a task. The experience of being taken care of can feel incredibly loving to many people.
Ideas for How to Give it:
Surprise your partner by cooking dinner one night
Take care of a chore your partner loathes (like taxes or filling up their gas tank)
Pick your partner up at the airport, and show up to baggage claim for bonus love points!
Light some candles, play some music, and give your partner a proper massage
Fix the coffee in the morning for the both of you
Gifts
Someone who scores high on “gifts” feels loved when they receive a physical item from their loved one. Some of you might read this as shallow, but there is validity in experiencing love through a materially-given gesture: the gift is a tangible representation of what must have occurred in order for the gift to get from the store or craft table to the recipients hand. If I receive a gift from my partner, it immediately becomes my belief that they were thinking about me when I wasn’t there, wanted to do something nice for me, and then actually delivered.
Ideas for How to Give it:
Pay attention to what your partner points out liking in a store, then buy it for them to show them you paid attention
Bring home a souvenir from your travels
Randomly write your partner love notes and mail them to your partner, even if you live together
At the grocery store, buy a treat or your partner’s favorite dessert, and surprise them after dinner one night with it
Draw your partner a picture of you two together and give it to them
Phew! So many great ideas. Thanks, Rach, what a great affirmation! I think I’ll go draw myself a bubble bath (acts of service), spend an hour alone without checking my phone (quality time) and buy myself lunch (eyo, gift it up baby!) Because Love Languages work with yo-self too.
Happy Coping kids!
XO- Rachel
Overflowing with great ideas for some of these Love Languages? Holler in the comments! I’m always keen for more ideas--especially with the languages that aren’t my own.