Boundaries are hard

This week I made an instagram story asking viewers to vote on what they wanted me to write about. Besides two robots voting for “grief and death,” the response was a resounding “BOUNDARIES.”

I started to brainstorm what I could write about. The more I thought about how I would structure this post, the angle I would take, or what research I might do, the more I thought, OMG, you fool, you don’t know jack shit about boundaries. CANCEL ZE BLOG!

I started googling, “who created the concept of boundaries” and “what therapy first talked about boundaries” and “where did the idea of boundaries come from in psychology?” I saw dozens of articles like “10 Ways to Effectively Set Boundaries” or “What to do When Your Boundaries Aren’t Respected” and “5 Different Types of Boundaries to Set,” and I was overwhelmed. 

No wonder so many people want to learn more. 

It got me thinking, what do I know about boundaries, and what do I still have to learn? 

Once my imposter syndrome chilled out (BTW, don’t go Googling ANYTHING if you get remotely insecure by an overload of information. Just because you don’t know EVERYTHING doesn’t mean you don’t know SOMETHING), I started reflecting on where I started, what I’ve learned about boundaries over the years, and what I know now.

I Had ZERO Boundaries (until about 5 years ago.)

Until about 5 years ago when I first learned what boundaries were (yes that’s right, I didn’t even know that boundaries were a THING), I had zero boundaries. I was a people-pleasing, yes-saying, energy-and-time-giving, working-always, spontaneously-living, [insert jazz hands here] do-it-all-er. I did everything in my power to make sure the people in my life were happy. 

If someone invited me to a birthday party, I always said yes. If my coworker asked me to stay late and help her with a project, I always said yes. If someone wanted me to take photos for free because we were sort-of-once-friends, I always said yes. 

I never, EVER, needed help from anyone--so why would I ask--and I would absolutely NOT cancel plans with anyone, because that would be rude. Nobody’s feelings were ever hurt, and I was taking care of everyone. Except, of course, my own damn self.

At the time, I didn’t think of my behavior or actions as reflecting “zero boundaries”. I thought I was a kind, thoughtful, generous, humble person. Which I was. But I was mistaking lack of self-respect for humility. I confused generosity with pleasing others. I assumed kindness meant never saying no. These were all big red flags for having absolutely no boundaries. 

The Problem With Zero Boundaries

This behavior, to some, might still not seem like that big of a deal. So, you’re telling me that being a really thoughtful, nice, generous person who works hard and says yes to parties is a bad thing? I don’t get it. 

Nope, I’m not suggesting those are bad behaviors or bad qualities. But I am suggesting that constantly saying yes to everyone and everything outside of myself left no room for me to say yes to myself. 

I was constantly exhausted. I felt perpetually guilty. I never felt like I had my own space or time, and I believed I was responsible for other people’s happiness. I never got what I wanted, because I believed that if I did all these kind acts for others, then surely those people would turn around and do nice acts for me. 

Sometimes they did. Sometimes my boss recognized that I overexerted myself at work, and he’d say, “why don’t you take the afternoon off.” Some of my friends had similar love languages to me, and would also do something thoughtful for me for my birthday (or out of the blue) to let me know they appreciate and love me. But most of the time, I was doing so much for others, doing nothing for myself, and getting little from outside sources to fill my cup. 

Not only that, but I started to actually believe that it was my responsibility to keep the people in my life happy. That if I didn’t respond to work e-mails right away, people would get mad at me, and that they’d have the right to be. That if I couldn’t go to a friend’s birthday dinner because I was broke or sick, they would hate my guts and never forgive me. That if I told my parents I didn’t want to share something personal with them, they would think it meant I didn’t love them anymore (PS still working on this one). The emotional responsibility I felt for others was consuming me.  

The Aha Moment: Boundaries are REAL

During my eating disorder treatment in 2015, I learned what a boundary was. A boundary, I learned, was a line in the sand that I get to draw about ANYTHING that has to do with my relationship to myself, to another, and to the physical world. I can create material, physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual boundaries. 

You guys: “But Rachel, you still haven’t explained like, what boundaries ARE.” 

This guy: “I know, boundaries are just like, so hard to explain!”

Think of it this way: When you visualize a boundary, what do you picture? A big wall encompassing something? A gate blocking an entry? A no trespassing sign? 

Whatever you visualized, hold that for a moment. 

What do you think would happen if you crossed that boundary? Would guards come out and fight you? Would you get zapped by an electric fence? Drown in quicksand? What would you learn if you crossed that boundary? 

I know in my visualization, I would learn I probably shouldn’t have climbed the wall, because clearly whoever is on the other side is protecting something.

Now imagine that the person on the other side of the wall is you. And imagine you have no wall. No gate. No signs. You’re just there, completely exposed, 24/7. What’s protecting you? What is stopping someone from walking right up to you and hurting you? 

Nothing. 

This is why creating boundaries is so imperative. In psychology, boundaries are verbal contracts that you create with yourself and those around you that say, “please don’t trespass, I am protecting this part of me.” 

There are many different types of boundaries you can create. Some of them require no explanation to others, as they are boundaries you create within yourself. These are boundaries like, “I don’t work outside of work hours,” or “I don’t buy shoes that are more than $100” or “I don’t go to bed without washing my face.” They may not seem like it, but these are boundaries you create with yourself: they are commitments you make that you choose not to break because they protect your interests, values, and wellness. 

Boundaries you might create in relationships could have to do with privacy (how much do you share about your relationship on social media?), intimacy (when you choose to have sex, how do you like to be touched?), or friendships (what kinds of comments hurt your feelings that your friend’s might need to know about?). 

I learned there were SO many boundaries that could exist in my life that didn’t. I also learned that because I had none, it was likely that when I started creating them, people would get confused. 

How To Actually SET a Boundary 

be consistent

I was right. People were like WTF when I start setting boundaries. Which is normal. The same is true if you’re wishy-washy about your boundaries. Have you ever had a friend say, “oh I don’t normally like to be touched, but YOU can hug me!” Wait, so, which is it? How do I respect your space if I don’t know what your boundary is? Do you like to be touched, or not? What’s ok for me to do so I don’t cross the line and suddenly get attacked by swamp-eels? 

As I learned to create boundaries, I learned how important it would be that I remain clear and as consistent as possible with them. This was really hard, because for the first time in my life I had to think about what mattered to me.

rehearse telling someone your boundary

I learned and practiced phrases I could use in times when I wasn’t sure if I needed to/how to set a boundary like, “let me think about that”.

I practiced saying “no” without apologizing, explaining, or changing my mind. I sat with the complete discomfort of feeling guilty, cruel, or rude immediately after saying “no” and reminding myself that setting my boundary was not the same as me being mean.

I used Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills to actually communicate the boundaries with loved ones and friends. DBT has several interpersonal effectiveness skills that are super helpful when communicating emotionally charged and personal needs. (For a reminder on these, read my blog post on tips for better communication.)

When setting boundaries, I used the acronym D.E.A.R. which helped me clarify my own language around certain boundaries and become comfortable with communicating them to others.

D.E.A.R stands for:

DESCRIBE: be descriptive about the situation
EXPRESS: express how you are feeling
ASSERT: be clear and assertive with what you are asking for
REINFORCE: reinforce why this is important to you

In practice, this might look like, “earlier when you touched my hair without asking (describe), it made me feel uncomfortable and violated (express). I would like it if you asked me before touching any part of my body (assert) because otherwise I feel anxious and on edge around you (reinforce).

break it into categories

I learned when and where certain boundaries applied, and categorizing boundaries illuminated where I had clear boundaries and where I didn’t. I started to set boundaries at work (only volunteering for one extra activity a week), in relationships (saying, “I don’t feel like talking about that right now”), and emotionally (teaching myself I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings). 

Examples of areas you can create boundaries in life are material (how you spend your money), physical (how you like to touch and be touched), spiritual (how you express your beliefs), sexual (consent and what feels good), mental (clarity about your personal beliefs and values) (Lancer 2018).

The Boundaries I Still Struggle With

Fast forward to present day: I am better at boundary-setting. I am clearer on my values, interests, and what feels OK or not OK in relationships and intimacy, which makes it easier for me to draw lines in the sand and say, “yep, that’s my boundary!”

What I still struggle with is sticking to those boundaries. The lines have started to keep their place, but I continue to erase little pockets to allow people in. Creating small exceptions so that “oh yes, this is normally a boundary, but for you/this time/now I’ll make an exception.”

So what gives? Why do I keep making small exceptions and poking holes in the very structures I’ve created to protect me? 

I’ve learned that this is in part a problem of “sticking to boundaries,” but more a problem of unclear emotional boundaries: I still operate under the assumption that I am responsible for other people’s feelings, and as such should abandon my boundaries in order to keep everyone else safe and comfortable.

I am not responsible for everyone’s emotions. Yes, I am responsible for my actions and that means not being a dick. That means not hitting people with my car or calling people dirty names or harassing someone or embarrassing someone on purpose. But I am not responsible for taking care of everybody’s feelings. That would be impossible. 

So what the hell do I do when someone asks me to do something that would cross a boundary? Do I say “FUCK OFF HOW DARE YOU?” Probably not. What about “I’m so sorry but I just can’t, please don’t hate me, are you mad?” Meh, that seems laced with guilt. 

What tools do I have in my box to deal with saying “look, what you’re asking of me would cause me to cross a personal boundary, and I ain’t doin it,” without damaging a relationship, losing my self-respect, or filling up with guilt for sticking to a boundary?

Hello Dialectical Behavior Therapy!

If you don’t know by now, I’m a huge DBT fan. DBT was the primary modality of therapy provided in my eating disorder program, and it blends the best of mindfulness, existential therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and more. It’s just a big juicy pot of GOOD THERAPY. 

There are a set of skills all about interpersonal effectiveness, and Marsha Linehan (the creator and boss bitch of DBT) devised three nifty acronyms that really help when trying to communicate hard shit--i.e. excellent for setting/sticking to boundaries.

The three acronyms are DEAR (which we talked about earlier), GIVE (we won’t be talking about this one, lo siento), and FAST. For sticking to setting boundaries, we’re gonna talk about FAST. 

FAST is the acronym Marsha recommends when the goal is self-respect. I’m gonna go ahead and say, yep, setting and sticking to boundaries is all about self-respect. 

FAST stands for:

Fair to myself and others
No Apologies for being alive
Stick to values (not do anything I'll regret later)
Truthful without excuses or exaggeration

Let’s check this in one of the previous scenarios when I’ve probably said yes to something I wish I had said no to.  

Heres an example of NOT using FAST: 

Human One: “You should just come, it will be fun!”

Me:

Fair to myself and others “Omg that’s the sweetest thing ever you guys are so nice!”
No Apologies for being alive “I am such a jerk but I am really tired.”
Stick to values (not do anything I'll regret later) “I guess going to bed late isn’t the end of the world.”
Truthful without excuses or exaggeration “I would love to hang out, let’s do this!”

Here’s an example of USING FAST:

Human One: “You should just come, it will be fun!”

Me:

Fair to myself and others “That’s a nice offer.”
No Apologies for being alive “I am really tired.”
Stick to values (not do anything I'll regret later) “This girl really values a good night’s sleep.”
Truthful without excuses or exaggeration “I would love to hang out another time, though!”

Find me anyone who would respond to that with, “you douche,” and I’ll personally fight them on your behalf. Seriously though, I doubt any of my friends or family would hear those sentences strung together and think, “what the hell Rachel, you should feel awful for saying no.” And knowing that relieves the fear of guilt. Because I really believe that if I used this technique when communicating a “no,” I wouldn’t get pushback. If I DID get pushback, chances are the person reacting this way has few/no emotional boundaries. But that’s for another blog post.

Happy Coping!

XO - Rachel

References:

Lancer, Darlene. “What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?” Psych Central, 8 Oct. 2018, psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/.

RelationshipsRachel Havekostboundaries, relationships, setting boundaries, coping skills, DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, therapyComment