3 Questions I Ask Myself When I'm Lost in Life
Wow. I haven’t written a blog post here in a LONG time.
I’ve been spending most of my writing energy building my Substack publication, The Messy Middle, which I’m hoping will be a landing place for many readers seeking consistent storytelling, support, and encouragement. I would love to have you join us over there, subscriptions are $5 a month and you can do a 7 day free trial using this link.
While my hope is Substack can become both a valuable place for you to heal and for me to find financial security, I still love giving free tools, so here I am!
This Sunday I sat down and opened up my journal, which is something I’ve neglected in the last few months.
As many of you know, I am an AVID journaler/borderline phanatic. I imagine most of you found my blog from my free journaling templates (though I’m sure some of you are my mom’s friends here to make me feel good about myself lol), or because you’ve used The Self-Healer’s 90-day guided journal or The Inner Child Journal.
Journaling was something I picked up when my ex-husband and I did our 10-month long motorcycle trip (you can read more about that trip and our divorce in my memoir, Where the River Flows). It was a way for me to stabilize my anxiety and depression while on the road (and away from my therapist—this was pre-COVID so zoom sessions weren’t a thing, and even if they were, did you know therapist’s licenses don’t allow them to provide therapy to their clients if they are out of the state?).
I started making my own journaling prompts based in the psychological theories I’d learned about in grad school and in therapy. Over the course of 10 months I’d found a solid daily practice that included affirmations, gratitude, mindfulness, coping ahead, self-acceptance, and more (eventually I turned this into my first ever free journaling template, which was the foundation for what is now The Self-Healer’s Journal).
The Self-Healer’s Journal is available as an e-book direct from my site, or paperback from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and more! Learn more using this link.
Since creating The Self-Healer’s Journal in 2020, my journaling practice has evolved to meet my changing needs and life circumstances.
While the structure and repetition of TSHJ helped ground and stabilize me, there were often times (especially after my divorce) when I needed something else. I needed introspection. Understanding. To process my grief (lol yes, I made a Grief Workbook too). To figure out who the FUCK I was without my husband, the future I imagined for myself, my identity as a wife, as a writer, creator…the list goes on.
In the last three years, I have had HUNDREDS of impasses where I feel utterly lost.
Being a writer/creator/entrepreneur/whatever the fuck my job role is can be liberating. And, the freedom of working for myself and creating my own life from scratch doesn’t come with socially constructed boundaries—there’s no roadmap for my life and I often feel like an architect without a blueprint.
Often times these impasses happen because I lose the vision of what I’m building. It’s as if I’ve imagined a skyscraper of my very own (purply pink acryclic exterior, bedazzled tip, walls made of chocolate, and rainbow slides pouring out the windows), and from this vision I make educated guesses about how to construct my tower. When I forget what my imagined tower looks like—or worse, when I start to believe I can only make towers like the ones I see everyone else making—I’ve lost myself.
To find myself (and my pretty tower) again, these are three questions I ask myself:
First and foremost, before engaging in ANY journaling activities, I always like to offer the below suggestions for making the most out of this experience. These questions can bring up a LOT, so its important to treat this activity with care. Just like we warm up and wear appropriate gear for a physical workout, so to must we prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally for a psychological workout.
PREP:
>>Where: Find a comfortable place where you feel safe and cozy. Light a candle, play music that calms you, curl up with a blanket and your favorite bevie. I highly recommend putting your phone on do not disturb so you can really focus.
>>When: Do these prompts when you have time to sit with them and focus. I like first thing in the morning or at the end of the day.
>>What you need: Yourself, pen and paper (I’m a big fan of my inky pen) , these prompts, and your big ‘ol beautiful heart.
Ready? Let’s build some TOWERZ.
How Do I Want to FEEL?
Make a list of emotion words that represent how you want to feel in your life.
Don’t hold back, and notice any judgments or “buts” come up that tell you those feelings aren’t possible. This is a time to dream. It’s a journal—no one will read this but you (unless you live with someone who has horrible boundaries, in which case maybe it’s time for some boundaries work. yes I have a workbook for that too lol.)
>>Here’s my list:
at peace
content
trusting
open
brave
clear
focused
well
safe
secure
>>side note: I asked this question on my Monday check-in that I do weekly on my instagram stories, and the VAST majority of folks said they wanted to feel peace. I found that interesting and felt like sharing. #sharingiscaring.
2. When are times in my life I’ve felt this way?
Take each emotion and think of one or two SPECIFIC examples of times you have felt this way in your life.
Quick Tip: If you can’t think of ANYTHING, first try going smaller.
For example, if I think “I’ve never felt peace,” I’ll challenge that thought with, “when have I felt a glimmer of peace?” This reduces the magnitude and invites us to also acknowledge that sometimes the emotions we seek aren’t going to be on a large, everlasting scale, but rather little moments accumulated over time.
If you STILL can’t think of an example, make something up! Ask yourself, “what is a scenario in which I could see myself feeling this emotion?”
>>Here are some examples of mine:
at peace:
when I was in Bali and there was a lot of spiritual emphasis and slower pace of life
when I am regularly practicing my tarot
content:
when my needs are ment
brave:
when I started writing about mental health online
when I wrote my memoir
clear:
when I’m sober
when I’m feeling my emotions instead of avoiding them
3. What is ONE way I can start to re-create the behaviors/actions/experiences that are tied to these emotional states?
Take a look at your answers for each emotion state, and reflect on these questions:
What clues can you draw from times you’ve felt those ways?
What themes emerge?
In what ways are some of those activities/relationships/behaviors missing from your life?
Based on what you have access to/control over, how can you re-incorporate or add those into your life?
>>For example, I clearly feel at peace when there is a spiritual component to my life. Whether it’s a direct correlation or a cumulative response to daily practice, faith brings me a sense of peace. So if I want to feel at peace, I can start with something in my power/that I have access to, which is drawing tarot cards again.
I would LOVE to hear your thoughts, questions, or what you came up with in the comments!
If you liked these prompts, I highly recommend my latest guided journal, Write to Heal.
I created Write to Heal last fall after a LONG period of feeling lost. It’s a 30-day process of healing your past, making peace with your present, and courageously imagining a future. It’s also supportive if you’re looking to tell your story like I have, as it prompts you to think about how you can turn your lived experience into wisdom to pass on through art.
It’s an absolute pleasure to share this world with you, and I hope to make a more regular appearance here!
TONS of love,
Rachie
>Learn more about Rachel’s journey with Eating Disorder recovery, depression, divorce, & finding comfort in the discomfort of living in her memoir, Where the River Flows.
>>Subscribe to Rachel’s Substack publication, The Messy Middle to read honest stories of living with uncertainty, mental illness, & life in the messy middle.
>>Follow Rachel’s daily life on instagram, and get inspired daily with reminders to dance & embrace being a messy human.