Journaling Exercise for Self-Discovery
Lately, I have been deeply focused on self-discovery.
For most of my young adult life (like, idk, ages 13-28) I absolutely hated myself. Like full-blown self-disgust. I spent years in therapy for an eating disorder and depression. I spent more years in therapy for anxiety and crippling panic attacks. I eventually ended up back in therapy during my divorce, and in the following years took a deep dive into figuring out why the fuck I kept drowning when I seemed to have so many tools at my disposal to NOT drown.
Let’s skip the part where I explain how fucking miserable divorce is—I’ll keep it brief and state the obvious which is that my self-esteem plummeted after our split.
So there I found myself again in therapy, feeling like I was at square one to try and find some semblance of love or even like towards myself.
How could I love someone who so idiotically fucked up the one good thing in her life? Obviously, I’m not that loveable if the person who committed to love me forever changed their mind.
In the last two years, I worked my ass off to learn to love myself again. And I did. And I do. And that feels pretty fucking good.
So now—now that I actually love myself, I want to know myself.
This is where I have started to realize how all of the work I’ve done in therapy was not so that I could ultimately love myself: All of the work I’ve done until now was so I could erase all of the bullshit that wasn’t mine and finally start to create a version of me without trauma, fear, or bullshit cultural messaging.
Let me explain.
For years I was people-pleasing and abandoning my own needs and wants so that others would like me. Choosing hobbies or interests based on someone I was romantically attracted to. Changing the way I dressed because of the people around me.
My relationship to conflict and anger also thwarted my ability to show up fully as myself. I didn’t feel that I was allowed to express my beliefs even if I did have my own. I felt ashamed for disagreeing with other people or having my own opinion or thoughts. I often shrank in social spaces, made myself small, or simply stayed quiet for fear of having a difference of opinion. Even the idea of sharing a perspective that could have elevated or added to the conversation terrified me.
Most of this fear now is gone. I don't fear not being myself. I don't fear not being liked. Yes, I still fear judgment and criticism, but I know now that when I do it’s information around what I’m still self-critical of or even judgmental of in others that I’m projecting.
And now that I love myself, or I love my existence, regardless of what that is, I'm curious to learn more about my existence. I'm curious to find out what I like and what I don't like, because, after years of not being able to cultivate that, I now find myself empty. I'm in this space of not knowing who I am, and now that I don't fear being different or having a difference of opinion, now that I don't want to make myself small, now that I feel good enough to be seen, I need to know what it is that I'm going to be showing.
My work in therapy has led me right here to this space of dissonance, where I know I am loveable and worthy and all those other cringey buzzwords, but I don’t know who I am unconditionally loving.
So how do I move out of this dissonance?
Enter sweet journaling prompts for self-discovery.
Journaling Exercise for Self-Discovery
1.Make a list of words that describe how you WANT to feel.
Think about how or you want to feel in life. Is it joy? Peace? Spontaneous? Love? Connected? Make a list of 5-10 words. This is not the time to second-guess or ask “how” or say “I don’t deserve that.” Don’t worry about the how here—just let yourself choose feelings that you really want.
For each word (you can combine words that are similar in theme), you will answer the following questions.
2. What does this word mean to me?
Define the word for yourself. Obviously, it should be similar to the actual meaning but add your own special flair. Does joy mean feeling exuberant and wildly exclamatory? Or does it mean simple pleasures and small delights? Be specific about what each word means to you.
Looking for deeper introspection? Try my 30 Day Workbook, “Write to Heal” and discover your purpose, define your mission, and bring your life story to fruition.
This version is best for printing or if you don’t have an E-Reader device. If you are looking for a Kindle/Nook/ePub version I have a separate product that is E-Reader compatible
3. Where do I feel this feeling/word in my body?
Yeah, I know this is a tricky one. Especially if you’ve experienced trauma, as our connection to the body can feel foreign and severed. Still, I invite you to try and ask where the feeling/word might be in your body.
4. When have I felt this before?
Make a list of times you have felt this way in your life. Be specific. Where were you? Who was there? What was happening? How do you know you were feeling this way? What did your body feel like? How did you access this emotion, or what brought you to the situation where you felt it?
5. When have I felt NOT this, or the opposite of this?
Make a list of times when you really did NOT feel the word/feeling. For example, if the word is “freedom,” when are times in your life you’ve felt un-free? Constricted? Trapped? Again, be specific. What was holding you back or preventing that feeling? Who/what was a contributing factor?
6. Based on your answers above, what is one small action you can start to take in your life to move towards this feeling/word?
I’m so proud of you bb. If you plan to do this exercise, I’d love to see your process! Feel free to tag me on instagram @rachel_havekost.
Sending you so much love, ZERO shame, and a virtual high five.
XX
Rachel