Dealing With Loneliness
photo by yours truly taken at the yoga barn
Do you ever get lonely? I do. Like all the time. As in right now, and earlier today, and yesterday. I get lonely a lot.
I often wonder what loneliness is. I know it’s a feeling, or maybe a state of being.
But what is loneliness, and how do I deal with it?
I’ve started reading “The Courage to Be Disliked.” It’s based in Adlerian psychology, which I learned a tremendous amount about in school but have loved reading about in such an exploratory fashion.
According to the “philosopher” in this book, loneliness is an unavoidable byproduct of interpersonal relationships. “To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone” (Koga & Kishimi, 2019, p. 49). Well that’s promising. So I just live alone and suddenly I have no problems?
Naw dog. Human contact is inevitable: we can’t actually exist without other people being around, or even without the knowledge of other people being around. When I’m all alone, I still know other people exist, so I can’t actually be alone in the way Adler is suggesting. What he means is that if I existed as the only person ever, I wouldn’t experience loneliness, because I wouldn’t be aware of the absence of others (Koga & Kishimi, 2019, p. 51).
Now that we’ve cleared THAT up, what the hell do I do when I am alone, and I am aware of the absence of others?
Let’s dissect this.
I’m at home, by myself. I feel lonely. I’m aware of the absence of others. Am I craving company? Or am I discontent with my own company? These are two very different states and require very different remedies.
Option Uno: I’m craving company. Ok, so I’m feeling like socializing. Maybe I haven’t seen my friends in a while and I need a good vent session or want to attend an event and meet some new people. The remedy for this seems pretty simple, no? Call a friend. Get dressed and go to a bar or café that has live music. Enter other humans, company-craving solved.
But I have a hunch that this option is really a cover up for what’s really going on.
Option Dos: I’m discontent with my own company.
I can tell you all the ways I’ve solved being discontent with my own company in the past:
• Booze
• Food
• Shopping
• Booze
• Food
• Shopping
• Did I say booze?
What are these all V good at? Distracting. Giving a false illusion of confidence. Self-soothing.
Booze fits all those bills: it distracts me from whatever feelings I’m having, gives me delusions of grandeur (thank you Wicked for that great catchphrase), soothes overthinking.
Food does a good job at self-soothing, but not so much the other stuff.
Shopping gives me a big ego boost (oh wow, this skirt looks so fabulous on me, OMG am I really a size 26? Girl GET IT), distracts the hell out of me, and certainly soothes any feelings of inadequacy.
Unfortunately, these all backfire badly when the high wears off. Hangovers? Very bad for self-worth (don’t mention the bar bill). Overeating? You guys know. Just—let’s move on. Shopping can backfire in the process: I have had my fair share of shopping-sprees go bad when nothing fits and everything looks terrible. Nordstrom, please change your dressing room lighting. You’re losing sales. Ok not that many sales—I love Nordies.
The key takeaway here is I am very good at using BAD coping skills to deal with loneliness. Or rather, to deal with not feeling content with my own company. All of these activities take me outside my body, outside my mind, and outside myself. They take me far away from the person I don’t want to be alone with.
That’s about the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m a confident gal. I like myself. I’m pretty self-lovin’. But I have a hard time just being with myself. I have a feeling I’m not alone (puns!)
Here are the best remedies I’ve discovered for dealing with loneliness.
1. Remember your Awesomeness
We all know Janice. Janice is awesome. Janice knows she’s awesome. Janice does not give many fuqs if other people like her or not. I’d like to think I have a little Janice in me, and that you do too.
If I can write down a list of all the reasons I am awesome—and even better—why it’s fun, enjoyable, or pleasurable to spend time with me from an outside perspective, I start to learn a whole bunch about why being with myself is a damn treat.
Here’s an example:
I’m Awesome to Spend Time With Because:
• I have a great sense of humor
• I’m non-judgmental
• I make everyone feel included
• I throw out compliments like it’s my job
• I can be spontaneous
Based On These Things, What Could I do With MASELF?
• Watch a funny movie
• Record a silly video and send it to friends
• Practice not judging myself for feeling lonely
• Offer to take myself on a date, and tell myself how fine I look all night
• Have a spontaneous dance party in my room
All of that sounds fun to me. And authentic (ughhhh I know but it’s such a good word).
2. Be Your Own BFF
Start by asking yourself, “if my friend were with me, what would we do together?” Make a list without worrying about whether you need two people to do it or not—just get your brain flowing.
Here’s mine:
• Go out for dinner
• Play card/board games
• Talk to each other about boooyyyys
• Go to a workout class
• Check out some live music
• Lay around in our PJs and order food while watching Netflix
Then ask yourself, “what on this list can I do alone?” The answer is probably 90% of them.
Here comes the tricky but oh-so-good part. Do one of those things, but act as though you are your best friend while you do it.
Ok WTF does that mean.
It means, if you go out to dinner, get ready like you would with your friend. Put on music while you get ready. Ask yourself which outfit you think is cuter. And answer honestly. Tell yourself how hot you look before you leave. When you order, let yourself taste your food like your BFF was giving you a taste of hers. “Mmmmm, yours is SO good.” When you leave, tell yourself how much fun you had and that you’ll text yourself when you get home. When you get home, whisper, “I’m home safe, love you so much! Can’t wait to do this again.”
I know it sounds silly. But guys. It works. When I curl up in bed alone at night, I hug myself. I say, “goodnight Rachie, I love you so much. Can’t wait to see you for coffee in the morning!” It gives me the biggest shit-eating grin before I go to sleep. I’m acting as if I’m my own partner. My own best friend. And suddenly, I am.
3. Feel the Loneliness
This is the least popular, but likely, most cathartic choice. (This is where you’ll start to notice I’m not always going to suggest easy fixes.) I’m not here to make a cookie cutter list of how to cure your life. I have some solutions, yes. But I also believe in sitting in the shit. Feeling the icky stuff. And showing to yourself that you can live through the pain.
I have, at times, been brave enough to let myself simply feel lonely. I have laid in my bed, all alone, crushed that there was no one to hold me. Desperate for human contact but no one to touch. Longing for a good chat over a meal, but no one to call.
Instead of reaching for a bottle or ordering greasy vegan food, I just let myself feel lonely. And then, something really magical happened. I held myself. I clutched my own body as I cried, and said, “it’s ok Rachie, it’s ok. You’re amazing. I know this is hard right now. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to feel lonely.”
I have done this several times in the last month. It sucks big ballsacks but it’s worth it. I came out feeling like a fucking python after. If I could actually feel loneliness, and help myself get through it, what couldn’t I do?
I know I’m not alone in feeling lonely. It’s a very normal human condition and we are all prone to it now and then (some more than others). I would love to know what you do when you’re lonely. What works. What doesn’t. All the things.
As always, if you’re commenting, I invite you to not be a jerk.
Happy Coping!
XO -Rachel