October Community Blog Post
Each month, I will be sharing a guest piece written by someone from my online community. October’s submissions includes a poetic piece by Martiza Padilla. The work of destigmatizing mental health is a community one, and I’m honored to share this space.
If you would like to submit your writing to be featured next month, please review the submission guidelines at the end of this post.
I’m Not There Yet.
I like to imagine a version of me that is only part of what I am. The pieces that I like, that I worked hard for, and value.
There are many more parts than that here though, and I can't quite seem to accept them all. Someone said, "but it's all just you." Yet I don't want that. I don't want all of it to be me, even though I know it is. I want the parts that could have been different—and it seems so important to remember could have been different—to not be me. The parts that were beyond my control. The parts that were given to me without my asking, fixed into my skin and stapled to my bones where I can't scratch them away. The bad memories, and the parts I don't even let myself see. I don't want them to be there at all.
I know that they're there, these other pieces of my being, but I still reject them. They're not the me I chose, they're not the me I wanted to be when I was very young and dancing to rainbows in the sky. They're part of me, yet I don't know how to accept them, because I don't like them and want them changed, want them to be different. They are what remains once I have taken aside the parts that I wanted or altered to my liking. They are the gray dregs, the insecure habits, the angry voices and the ability to inflict such pain. It's all me, but I'm so ashamed. It goes like this: they're evil, and accepting them makes me evil. If they're me, they're my responsibility and also my fault. Their clamor and their greed. In my splintered secret silence I am left alone and hurting.
So we're left with bad pitted against not bad. Parts I reject and accept in turn, that can never be fully set apart. The entangled awkward tension between the two is where I live. Trying to desperately keep them separated in a battle I can never win. So day by day it saps my strength, until a point where we feel we might break. Where we might drop our heads and give up our walls, let all the horrors in, and accept.
I'm not there, not yet anyway. But one day I will be. That is my hope and promise to myself.
***
Haunted
At night when I shut my eyes everything's calm
nothing's uncertain
then unconsciousness comes and something dies.
I'm back where I always am
I'm scared and alone
no one's going to help me, nobody can.
I'm that child in the past,
thought I could shake this, in daylight it's gone
but at night the spell has been cast.
My skin crawls with them
I want to get rid
I'm an adult now I’m stronger than that but inside I'm still that kid.
Why won't they get off me
leave me alone
I don't want this
Why don't they care how I feel
can't they just let me be.
In my dreams there's no face,
they all blur into one it’s a mess
I'm just locked alone in this place.
I can't struggle there’s no light
even when I do it doesn't matter,
I'm not strong enough. I kick and I punch but I might as well not fight.
I mustn't fall asleep
my mind it’s haunting me
trying to reveal the secret's I keep.
The clock reads 4 am
I've been up all night
Afraid to sleep
Afraid to be in the dark
I never know what will find me there
So here I am
Again
No one's here
I sit alone in the stillness
Silence unbroken
Fears and aches unspoken
Somehow I still can't find my voice
I sit silently
Again
The mask I wear
Is slowly being peeled away
I don't know
Who I am underneath it
Are the changes good or bad
I wonder
Again
I long to cry
to yell and curse at everyone
Who's wounded me
It's been so long since
I truly cried, I truly felt
I sit numbly
Again
Will this repetition ever end?
* * *
Pieces written by Maritza Padilla. You can find more about Maritza on instagram @ritzbitz1010
If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental, please reach out.
It is so, unbelievable brave to ask for help. I know its hard as hell, and trust me in the moment, I understand how viscerally painful it is to say “I need help.”
Here are some resources below:
Sharewell: Low cost peer led support groups
Better Help: Online counseling at more affordable rates
Calmerry: Online counseling and chat counseling
Crisis Textline: text “HOME” to 741741
I love you. You matter. Stay;
Interested in submitting a piece to my blog?
Each month I accept written pieces to be considered for community posts.
Purpose of Community Posts:
Share stories of experiences I haven’t had, and therefore cannot speak to
Destigmatize mental health using multiple voices
Provide exposure for young, new, and beginning writers
Offer different perspectives on mental health beyond my own
Encourage folks who perhaps feel their voice/story doesn’t matter to find safe spaces to talk, share, and feel understood
Provide writing support, edits, & tips for writers seeking feedback on their work
Guidelines:
1,000-2,000 words
Personal story/narrative (not seeking a how-to)
Aimed to destigmatize and make people feel less alone in their experiences
Pieces should be well written and in a finalized state. While I will provide ample feedback and help you edit the piece, please know I receive dozens of submissions and appreciate you submitting work that has been reviewed and edited.
Poems are accepted—please submit a collection to be considered.
If Your Piece is Chosen:
I will offer you feedback, edits, and writing tips. Together we will create a finalized piece you feel proud to share.
Your piece will be posted as a blog post on my website. Blog posts on my site get sent to my mailing list (10k people) and will live on my site permanently (unless of course you ask me to remove it).
I will share snippets of the blog piece on my instagram and links in my stories.
You will have the option to include a photo, bio, and any links to your socials/website/services in the blog post.
Submissions are due on the 15th of each month, and I will post the chosen piece on the last week of the month.
You may remain anonymous or use a pen name if you wish.
If you would like to submit a piece, you can e-mail me a draft to rachel.havekost@gmail.com.
*I will give priority to students who have taken my Wounds to Wisdom Writing Masterclass.
If you have taken the class, please make note of this in your submission.
Want to learn how to write in ways that help others?
If you would like to improve your writing, learn skills for creating work rooted in helping others, and have access to personal support from me on your writing journey, learn more about the class below.
