THE FOUR LISTENING TYPES
scroll to see all four listening types.
the validator
“You are valid and i won’t try to change you.”
"That sounds so difficult" is one of your favorite lines.
Your Strengths:
You are the queen of saying, "That sounds really hard," or "I can see why that would feel really difficult."
You have a knack for really understanding what someone might be going through and letting them know their experience is valid.
You don't focus on solutions or problem solving--instead your goal is to let the person know their reaction, emotions, or experience is normal, acceptable, and valid.
This makes you excellent at the initial phase of listening: you ensure that the person you are listening to feels understood, accepted, and validated.
Because you are a super validator, you build great trust between you and whoever is sharing with you. They believe you are a safe person to be a total wreck with, because you won't criticize, minimize, or try to stop them from having their experience.
Your Challenges:
You might struggle with what comes next, and often wonder "now that I've validated the crap out of this person, what do I say? What do I do?"
You might not feel comfortable with offering suggestions, feedback, or concerns for fear of making someone feel worse. You may struggle to ask hard questions out of fear that you'll make the person feel worse than they already do.
You are likely very sensitive and can empathize deeply with others. You may struggle to separate someone's experience from your own.
What to Work On:
A great skill for you to adopt so you can begin to expand upon your validating skills is asking "What type of support do you need right now?" After validating someone, you can take the pressure off yourself to solve the world's problems and ask them what they need.
You'll start to learn that different people need different types of support, and each person might need something different depending on the situation. Sometimes people don't need extra validation, they just want some help making a decision. It's ok to ask what people need so you can start to feel safe to actually offer suggestions, ask tough questions, or share your own experiences with the person talking to you.
I invite you to also practice asking questions to deepen your understanding of the other person. You are likely very sensitive, so this may seem scary, but because you are sensitive you will probably ask questions in a safe and gentle way so try to give yourself permission to try.
You can ask questions like, "what was that like for you?" or "do you have insight on what brought this on?" You can ask questions in a vague way so you don't feel like you are interrogating or investigating in a way that feels unnatural.
Keep up the amazing validation, the world needs more validators like you!
click here to see the three other listening types
for more in-depth listening tools, read this blog post
the digger
“Tell Me More.”
You are fascinated by people, and you want all the details, history, and backstory.
Strengths
You excel at deepening your understanding of others through thoughtful, considerate, and important questions.
Because you have a genuine curiosity about people--especially important people in your life--you really are interested in better understanding them.
You don't just ask questions for the sake of asking questions--you really want to build an in depth, multifaceted, big-picture understanding of who you are listening to so you can better empathize, relate to, or appreciate their standpoint.
You know what kinds of questions to ask to pull out insight, discovery, and exploration in the person you are listening to. Because of this, people might feel like they learn alot about themselves when they talk to you. You might ask questions people are never asked, which leads them to self-discovery and insight they might not normally encounter.
People who share their inner worlds with you are excited by your "probing nature" and like the depth the two of you get to in your conversations.
Challenges
Some people may not respond well to a lot of questioning and may feel interrogated by your approach to listening. This might lead some people to become defensive or put more walls up when talking to you.
You may find it difficult to simply listen without saying or asking anything. You are so curious about everything that your urge to ask "why" may override your ability to actually empathize.
You might struggle to offer support, validation, or empathy without knowing everything, so you may find it difficult to be supportive when you don't know all the details.
What to Work On
You are already great at going deep, so your work will be on pulling back. I invite you to try validating the person you are listening to before asking any questions. You can try statements like, "I can imagine this is really hard for you right now" or "I can tell you're going through a lot and I can tell how rough it is for you."
You might also want to try asking the person you are listening to what type of conversation they are hoping to have or what they need from you before beginning the conversation. You can ask something like, "I'm here for you however you need me--do you want me just to listen or do you want to explore whatever comes up more deeply?"
Some people just need someone to listen and say nothing so they can get their feelings out in the open, and aren't looking for answers or discovery. If you know that off the bat, your challenge will be to honor that request and simply be a person next to them, offering an ear.
Keep asking the tough questions, your curiosity is helping others get invaluable insight!
click here to see the three other listening types
for more in-depth listening tools, read this blog post
the fixer
“i have answers.”
Problem solving is your forte, and you don't like to dwell on the negative.
Strengths
You have a lot of wisdom, knowledge, and resources to offer. When someone is struggling, you immediately see ten ways out of the pain.
You are innovative, creative, and solution-oriented. You don't focus on the negative or the problem, you focus on what can be improved and how to do it.
Your can-do attitude can be inspiring, uplifting, and provide hope for people who often feel like they don't have the answers to their problems.
Because you are solution-oriented, you are skilled at getting people from point A to point B. People come to you for answers, and they get results. People feel like they can rely on you for movement, momentum, and goal accomplishment. This makes you excellent at helping people with career goals and life changes.
Challenges
Because you are focused on the solution and not the problem, people can sometimes feel misunderstood or unheard when you jump so quickly to problem-solving. This isn't a dealbreaker for relationships, but it can be difficult to build trust with more sensitive or emotional people who need a little more "cushioning" and empathy before moving into the problem solving stage.
What to Work on:
Practice offering validation, empathy, or understanding before offering any solutions. Statements like "I can see why that would be so hard," or "that sounds really difficult, I can imagine doing this alone has been super hard."
Understanding statements like these can make who you are listening to feel heard, accepted, and safe. The chance of them implementing any of your suggestions that follow will skyrocket.
You can also try asking the person if they event want advice or feedback by saying, "do you need some suggestions or help with what to do, or do you just need an ear right now?" This will clear up immediately the type of listening they are looking for.
Keep offering the world your wisdom, your motivational skills are so valuable!
click here to see the three other listening types
for more in-depth listening tools, read this blog post
the relator
“i get it babe, i’ve been there!”
You see yourself in everyone, and you love to converse and bounce things off of other people.
Strengths
Because you can relate to so many people, you find it easy to empathize with others. You can immediately identify what someone is experiencing because chances are, you've been there too.
You have a knack for "being on the same team" as the person who is talking to you. Rather than play the devil's advocate or tell someone they're wrong, you play the role of "I've got your back."
Because of your ability to relate to and side with people who are talking to you, people feel connected to you and like they can trust you. People likely aren't afraid you will judge, correct, or shame them for their experiences. Your relatability makes you a safe haven for anyone who talks to you.
Additionally, your ability to tap into your own experiences as resources while listening makes you primed for putting yourself in the other person's shoes and knowing the pain or challenges they are facing.
Challenges:
Sometimes being so relatable takes you out of the "expert" zone and into the "friendzone." Because you likely share your own stories and experiences with people who share with you, you become such an equal to them that they see you as a friend more than someone they can confide in or come to for support.
While this isn't the end of the world, it could damage a coaching or therapeutic relationship, because if you are perceived as this person's friend, the ability to go much deeper than "me too!" may feel out of reach.
You may also struggle with interrupting or changing topics quickly, which may cause the person sharing with you to feel unheard or unsafe. Your excitement to share your own experiences may lead the person to feel as though their attempts to reach out for support or an ear are trumped by your desire to tell your own stories.
What to Work On:
I invite you to practice tuning down the amount of sharing you do when playing the role of listener. Take stock of the balance in your conversations when someone has come to you needing to share something, and start to notice if you're sharing as much, or more than they are.
It will be helpful for you to start replacing some of your own experiences with questions or validating statements. Try asking the person how they felt about their experience, rather than telling them how you felt when you had a similar experience. Try saying "I can totally see why that would suck" rather than saying how something similar sucked for you.
Finally, start to observe whether you interrupt or finish people's sentences in conversation. Your eagerness shows a lot of interest, and it can also cause you to jump in before the person has finished talking.
Keep on building connections with others, the world needs more empathy and you're the key!
click here to see the three other listening types